Mary Sue the Magnificent
by Avalon Estel
Summary: The tragic life of MarySue, heir of Isildur, from her orphaned birth to the Defeat of Sauron. A parody. Chp. Eight: The end of the battle, more deaths, and Frodo escapes. Rating for mild comical violence. ON HIATUS.
1. The Annoying Prologue

Mary-Sue the Magnificent

A/N: I HAVE DONE IT!!! I have posted the beginning of aMary-Sue parody! Once again, I know it's been done a million times, but everyone knows how much fun Mary-Sue parodies are! My little sisters get lots of credit for this, as they came up with lots of, if not most of, the material. I pretty much just wrote it down. Ah, well. Hope you like! WE'RE INSANE!!!!

Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to "Lord of the Rings". It is property of the Tolkien Estate and New Line Productions, respectively. I just like to mess with them!

* * *

The Balrog roared and cracked his whip against the ground, advancing across the Bridge of Khazad-Dum, coming ever closer to the Fellowship.

"You shall not _pass_!" Gandalf cried. He was about to slam his staff down against the Bridge, when a beautiful, clear voice called, "Stop! I shall save you all!"

The Fellowship of the Ring turned to see their savior. She had gorgeous blonde/red/brown/black/white/silver/pink-with-bright-green-streaks hair that blew in the suddenly existent winds, and striking eyes that changed color every few seconds. Her cloak flared along with her hair in the wind that wasn't technically possible, as there were no openings to allow wind to enter Moria. "My name is Mary-Sue!" she shouted in her musical voice, running past Aragorn and grabbing Gandalf. She slung him over her shoulder and held out her sword. "Die, evil monster!" she cried, stabbing the stone at her feet with the sword. The stone instantly cracked and the Balrog fell through.

There was silence as the Fellowship realized she'd blocked their way out of the Mines of Moria.

"Great job!" Aragorn yelled. "You've trapped us!"

"Yeah!" Sam supplied.

"Why'd you come back here, anyway?" Frodo asked. "I thought Aragorn kicked you out ages ago."

"But you need me!" Mary-Sue argued.

"Can you put me down?" Gandalf asked sheepishly.

"Don't worry!" Mary-Sue replied. "I know a secret way out of the Mines of Moria that no one else in all of Middle-Earth knows!"

"Then how do you know about it?" Boromir asked.

"Wow, you know, I never thought about that," she answered.

And so Mary-Sue led the Fellowship out of Moria.

Once outside, Pippin struck up a friendly conversation. "So, Mary-Sue, Where are you from?"

"Well, I'm an orphan who fended for myself since birth, but was found by the Elves and raised by them for a while. When I turned fifteen, I left to make my way in the world, not feeling worthy of the Elves' kindness. Then, I was known as Mary-Sue the orphan, though my secret heritage is actually long-lost sister of Aragorn, and the true heir of Isildur. I, however, don't know about that."

"If you don't know, then how did you tell us?" Legolas asked.

Mary-Sue giggled. "Oh, you're just supposed to pretend I don't."

"You look really familiar," Legolas mused. "Hey! Aren't you that annoying mortal brat we chucked out of Mirkwood a while back?"

"Yes," Mary-Sue said. "But you didn't chuck me out because I was annoying. I was kicked out by the horrible, selfish Elves of Mirkwood because they didn't want to care for me like Elves should take care of mortal orphans."

"I thought you said you left because you weren't worthy," Merry said.

"That, too."

"You're confusing me," Pippin said.

"By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs. We must go to Lothlorien," Aragorn said.

"Oh! I know a secret way to Lothlorien that no one else knows about!" Mary-Sue said.

The Fellowship groaned.

* * *

A/N: And there's chapter one! I intend to rewrite LotR while including Mary-Sue. This is just for fun, because they're running rampant in every fandom. I myself, I admit, have written evil Mary-Sues when I started writing. Please don't hurt me! 


	2. Mary Sue's Angsty Childhood

Mary-Sue the Magnificent

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR, and I'm so sorry for what I'm doing, Professor. You're probably turning over in your grave.

A/N: For those of you who know what a Mary-Sue is, please skip this paragraph. And for those of you who don't, here's an explanation. A Mary-Sue can be, as Anni said, a character based on you. Usually, these are the characters that drop somehow or other into a canon (the actual book, movie, show, or game, depending) and somehow change things, whether drastically or barely. These Sues aren't always bad. You'll find quite a few that are satisfying characters. However, the Mary-Sue I'm depicting is the evil, extreme Mary-Sue that pops up in almost every writer's first work. Stress the _almost_, as I've read many who haven't. These Sues are usually perfect in every sense, with perfect fighting abilities, perfect looks, special magical powers, etc. In the LOTR fandom, they tend to be one of these: the true Heir of Isildur (Aragorn's sister), the tenth member of the Fellowship, an angsty character who needs to be saved, a mysterious Ringbearer, or the newfound love of Legolas (or Aragorn or Boromir or Frodo or Pippin). They tend to appear in Middle-Earth like this: fatal car accidents, magic portals, a new person at the Council of Elrond, an Elf, someone who lives in Middle-Earth and is special and orphaned, Legolas' sister, or an amnesiac. Who wouldn't want a perfect character? I mean, writers love their characters, so the first usually tend to be like that. I'm at fault for this myself. It's shameful, but what can I do? Sorry for this long explanation. On to the story!

_Chapter One: Mary-Sue's Angsty Childhood_

Mary-Sue was born in Rivendell shortly after her father, Arathorn, died. That was how Gilraen died, but with her last breath, she said, "I'll name her Mary-Sue, and she shall be the next Queen of Gondor. Forget Aragorn. He can be a Ranger."

That must have been a very long breath.

The Elves then took the infant Mary-Sue and quite cruelly left her in the woods of Mirkwood. That afternoon, as chance would have it, King Thranduil of Mirkwood came upon her in the bushes, wailing and screaming pitifully. He scooped up the tiny girl and inspected her.

"Interesting," he murmured. He was holding her upside down by the ankles, gazing at her un-Elvish feet. (It is recommended that you don't do that to infants, small children, or anyone else, for that matter.) "How did a human baby make its way here? And she's alone. How curious."

He then saw a nametag that had been pinned to her soft, cuddly, pink pajamas. He did have a bit of trouble reading it, as it was upside down. After many attempts to read it that way, he gave up and turned the child upright. "Mary-Sue?" he read. "What kind of a name is Mary-Sue?" Shrugging, he decided to take her home.

King Thranduil was Legolas' father. And Legolas did not take kindly to poor little Mary-Sue. He was mean to her and called her names. Several times he endeavored to use her for target practice. She was treated viciously by the Elves of Mirkwood, and wondered why no one liked her. It wasn't fair!

(Please be aware, readers, that the situation was actually reversed, and that she was driving the Elves insane. She was very vain and annoying, in truth. This is simply her account of the story.)

Finally, feeling angsty and depressed, like every good little Mary-Sue should, she ran away.

She ran all the way to Rivendell and showed up at the Last Homely House, looking sad indeed. She changed her name to make it sound more Elvish, and the Elves of Imladris didn't recognize her. She was there when the Dark Lord came to the height of his power, and when the Council of Elrond took place.

"You shall be the tenth member of the Fellowship, and grace the company with your incredible beauty," Lord Elrond said.

Mary-Sue was honored.

The Ten Walkers (because we're including Mary-Sue) then readied to make their departure.

As they left Rivendell, Aragorn asked, "Where are you from, Mary-Sue?" He did not know that she was his sister, as no one had ever told him.

Mary-Sue looked at him.

Aragorn screamed as her eyes flashed from dark blue to bright purple.

"Put these on," she said offhandedly, handing him a pair of sunglasses.

Aragorn placed them on his face, feeling grateful. "So, where did you say you're from?"

"I didn't," Mary-Sue said. "I'd rather not talk about it." She sniffled, feeling very, very angsty.

A few days later, they were traveling through Caradhras.

"So, then I said that he said that I said that she said that they said that I said that!" Mary-Sue said indignantly.

"No way!" Merry cried.

"Yeah way!"

"Said what?" Pippin asked from Boromir's arms.

"That he said that she said that we said that they said – "

"I'm confused," Pippin moaned.

"I'm annoyed," Boromir said.

"I'm murderous," Legolas said. He promptly pushed Mary-Sue off the side of the mountain.

The Fellowship watched in silence as she fell. When they couldn't see her anymore, they let out a simultaneous whoop of joy. And an avalanche promptly descended upon them.

A/N: Thank you to swee-haret179, Malon Aniku (hope I explained well enough, and yes, Zel and Link come from my weird side), and and-then-the-world (Believe me, there are LOTS of MS's out there. Be glad you didn't find that many.) Please r&r, and if you do, please don't curse!


	3. Return

Mary-Sue the Magnificent

_Chapter Two: Return_

Mary-Sue sat up, rubbing her head and moaning softly. As she opened her constantly-changing eyes, she saw that she was sitting in a blank white room. An extremely tall man resembling an Elf looked down at her sternly.

"I am Mandos, Lord of the Halls of the Deceased," he said.

"I'm Mary-Sue," she replied. "But shouldn't it be something more like 'Hall of Mandos'?"

"Yeah," the Vala shrugged. "It just sounds stupid to say 'Mandos, Lord of the Halls of Mandos' and 'deceased' is much nicer to say than 'dead'."

"I suppose that's true," Mary-Sue said agreeably. "So, I'm dead?"

"Not really. You're a Mary-Sue. You can't die."

"I can go back?"

"Yep."

"Thanks!"

"Just try not to get killed too often," Mandos said. "You won't believe how many times the last one died. I finally had to keep her here."

"I'll keep that in mind," Mary-Sue said.

"All right then, off you go!" Mandos smiled. There was a flash of bright light, and Mary-Sue was standing on the snow-covered paths of Caradhras. She came back just in time to see an avalanche descend on the Fellowship. She debated for a moment whether or not she should help them, considering they'd killed her in the first place, and finally decided to help them.

With her bare hands she dug them out of the snow. After pulling Boromir out, he yelled, "Not you again! How did you get back? Legolas killed you!"

"I'm Mary-Sue. I can't die."

"Shoot!" Legolas muttered. He jumped out of the snow and aimed an arrow at her.

"No, Legolas," Aragorn said, pushing the arrow down. "Don't make Mandos deal with her for no reason. Who knows what he'd do to you if you ever die."

"I don't intend to," Legolas said.

"You never know."

The Fellowship reformed their procession. Boromir hung back in the line, and as Mary-Sue passed, he whacked her with his shield. She fell off the mountain again. Boromir grinned and hurried off.

"Back again?" Mandos asked as Mary-Sue sat on the floor trying to clear her head. "That's the quickest re-death yet."

"It's not my fault!" Mary-Sue cried. "Boromir hit me with his stupid shield!"

"It's okay. Just try not to get hit again."

Another flash of light, and Mary-Sue was standing behind the Fellowship on the Bridge of Khazad-Dum.

(The author wishes not to force you poor souls to reread the Balrog scene, so she shall skip to where the prologue left off.)

Mary-Sue then led them to Lothlorien. Gandalf had forced them to let her come along, considering she'd saved his life and he owed her.

In the fair woods of Lorien, meanwhile, Lady Galadriel froze in place and stared out the window.

"What's wrong?" asked her husband, Lord Celeborn (whose "Lord" title was pretty much just that, considering it was really Galadriel who ran everything).

"I sense a disturbance in the Force," Galadriel said, attempting to make her voice sound eerie and prophetic.

"Uh, wrong movie, hun," Celeborn said.

"Whoops!" Galadriel said. "I mean, I sense darkness approaching."

"Darling, there's no darkness coming," her husband said, patting her hand. "You're so paranoid."

Just then a large group of Elves ran past screaming, "Aragorn's returned! _ARAGORN'S RETURNED! _Find soap and bring buckets of water! _GET THE CLOTHES-PINS!"_

Galadriel looked at Celeborn with a mixture of mocking and triumph.

"Hey, I can be wrong!" Celeborn said defensively.

Meanwhile, the Fellowship had run into a little trouble.

"The Dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark," Haldir of Lorien said, his taunting eyes on Gimli.

There was one thing bothering the Fellowship, however.

"Why does your voice sound so nasally?" Sam finally asked.

"It's from the clothes-pins," Merry said.

"Mind telling us why you're wearing clothes-pins on your noses?" Legolas asked.

Haldir leaned in next to him and whispered, "Aragorn. The stench can be deadly."

"You're right," Legolas said. "But the Elves of Rivendell don't wear those."

"They're accustomed to it."

"Ah."

Haldir then looked at Mary-Sue. "Who are you?"

Unfortunately, he was instantly blinded into unconscious by a bright flash of light as her eyes changed colors again.

* * *

A/N: Super Shayde, Here comes the hockey puck, Malara, annoying talking animal, Erm the Great, KaterineKasdorf, and swee-haret179. I'm glad you all like it! If you review, as usual, please don't curse! 


	4. The Mirror of Galadriel

Mary-Sue the Magnificent

_Chapter Three: The Mirror of Galadriel_

"Oh, dear! I've done it again!" Mary-Sue cried in dismay.

The other Elves of Lothlorien were trying to revive Haldir, and one succeeded in doing it by smacking him. Hard.

"Wha !" he asked, sitting up abruptly.

"Put these on!" Mary-Sue cried, holding out a bunch of pairs of sunglasses.

Haldir and the other Lothlorien Elves obliged.

"I do that all the time!" Mary-Sue cried, acting very angsty. After all, she had to keep up her image.

"Okay, since one of you almost blinded me and another has me wearing one of these stupid clothespins on my nose, I'm gonna have to blindfold you all," Haldir said (very nasally).

"I wonder who the second could be," Aragorn whispered, leaning toward Legolas.

"Indeed," Legolas replied, glaring at him.

Aragorn didn't catch the sarcasm.

That night, they were taken to meet the Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn (after seven full-grown male Elves wrestled Aragorn to the ground and washed his hair). Just as Galadriel walked in, Mary-Sue ran up to the Lord and Lady with sunglasses, a hand over her eyes.

"Put these on if you value your lives!" she said.

Galadriel gave her a funny look. "Why?"

"Because I suffer from rapid-eye-color-change-itis, which means my eyes change color at unexpected and random moments, and I'll blind you if you don't wear them!"

Galadriel and Celeborn put on the sunglasses.

Mary-Sue stepped back and realized that every person around her was wearing a pair of shades.

"I wish I'd just die!" she screamed. "The world would be a much better place!"

_I agree_, came a quiet, eerie voice in her head.

_Who's there?_, demanded Mary-Sue, also in her head. Her _own_ head.

_I'm Galadriel, you dimwit_, said the voice.

Mary-Sue sniffed telepathically. _You're going to make me cry. Have you ever seen me cry?_

_No. Why?_

Mary-Sue didn't answer.

_Why don't I want to see Mary-Sue cry?_ Galadriel asked Aragorn, also telepathically.

_Galadriel? Is that you? That's kind of funny, 'cuz if I ever told anybody that there were voices in my head, they'd think I'm crazy! Hee hee! My little head! Crazy? Yeah, right!_

Galadriel rolled her eyes. _Yes, you surely have a little head._

Thank you! 

Galadriel then moved on to Frodo. _So, you are Frodo Baggins. One who has seen the Eye!_

"Who said that?" Frodo asked, out loud.

"Said what, Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked.

_It was ME!_ Galadriel said in a high-pitched voice. These people were stupid, but they were fun to torment.

"That!" Frodo cried.

"What?" Sam asked.

_This! _

"Argh! I know it's you, Sam!" Frodo then proceeded to tackle Sam to the ground.

Yes, this was going to be _very_ entertaining, Galadriel mused.

* * *

Later, Boromir sat apart from the others, crying. Aragorn came up to him and stood beside him for a moment, then asked, "What is wrong?"

Boromir looked up at Aragorn. Finally, he said, "She told me that the White City would fall into a state of stink!" He continued to blubber.

"That's terrible!" Aragorn cried. "Why?"

Boromir looked up at him again, this time incredulous. "Why do you think? _You'll _be ruling it!"

"Oh," Aragorn said. Then, he shrugged and walked off, whistling.

Frodo, meanwhile, couldn't sleep. He still thought it had been Sam who'd spoken during the meeting with the leaders of Lothlorien. So he was very startled when he heard someone say, _Frodo!_

That was it. He got up and stomped to edge of their tent.

"Who's there?" he demanded.

All of a sudden, the Lady Galadriel appeared in the clearing, carrying a pitcher of water with her. She didn't say anything, but winked. Frodo put the pieces together as she yelled (telepathically, of course) _Get over here, ya stupid Halfling!_

Frodo didn't need to be told twice. He and Sam ran out of the tent and hurried over to her side. She stood by a stone pedestal, and on the pedestal was a bowl.

"You want us to watch you pour water?" Frodo asked skeptically.

"Of course not, you birdbrain!" Galadriel cried, smacking Frodo on the back of the head.

"Ow! I didn't think you were, anyway!" Frodo whined, rubbing the spot.

"Don't hit Mr. Frodo, you mean old Elf woman!" Sam shouted.

Galadriel got huffy. "Fine! You want to be like that!" She grabbed Sam by the ear and forced him to look into the bowl (which was still empty).

"Uuuhhh…What are you doing?" Sam asked, bewildered.

"Oh, right!" Galadriel said. She pulled Sam back, but refused to release his ear as she poured water into the bowl.

Two minutes later, Sam was sitting on the grass beside the pedestal, crying and saying that he wanted to go home.

Galadriel humphed. "That's what you get." She turned to Frodo. "Okay, Ringbearer, get over there and look in the bowl. I don't have all night, you know."

Frodo was just about to peer into the Mirror of Galadriel when Mary-Sue rushed up next to him and pushed him aside. Frodo fell to the ground and sat there, speechless.

Galadriel stared for a minute, then seemed to regain her senses. "Okay, then. Mary-Sue will look in the Mirror."

Mary-Sue did, and as the Eye of Sauron appeared in the water, she swooned and fell into a very feminine and dramatic faint.

"Good riddance," Galadriel muttered. She whirled on Frodo and said, "Give me the Ring! If you do, I'll become an evil queen and take over! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Then, she was all right again, and said, "Sorry. I don't know what came over me, but you and Sam had better get out of here before I do it again."

For the second time that night, Frodo blindly ran off into the darkness.

And slammed into a tree.

* * *

A/N: So sorry for the long delay, but I didn't have any ideas. I do now, though! 

Many thanks to: Alania, Here comes the hockey puck, swee-haret179, Mashimaro-San, anticipationnation, Malara, Master Akane, annoying talking animal, and Tazz.

Once more, I must ask: PLEASE. DON'T. CURSE. IN. YOUR. REVIEWS. It will be much appreciated. Thank you!


	5. Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Mary-Sue the Magnificent

_Chapter Four: Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow_

The next day, Gandalf told the Fellowship something that made them cry out in dismay.

"Listen, guys. I was supposed to die back in Moria, but thanks to Mary-Sue's meddlesome antics, I'm alive, which means I have to go off and find some white horse named Shadowfax and come back as another person and have you guys try to kill me."

"Awwww," they chorused.

"Okay, bye!" Gandalf called over his shoulder as he grabbed his hat and staff.

He needed to get away from them!

Galadriel later summoned them all to the riverside.

No one noticed that Gandalf was gone.

"Did you want to talk to us?" Merry asked.

"Yea, verily, I have summonest thou Walkers to guide thee on thy journey – " She broke off and gave a cough. "Ah, forget it. I can't stand doing the spooky, freak-out voice. It hurts my throat."

"So, uh, why do you want us?" Legolas asked.

"To give us guidance and tell us which paths to follow and who will be traitorous and how I'll be victorious in the end?" Mary-Sue piped up.

Everyone gave her a glare. The effect was lost, however, due to the sunglasses.

Mary-Sue just beamed.

Galadriel sniffed and cleared her throat. "Just because she's so annoying - and the fact that I can't stand Stink-Boy anymore – I'm sending you all on your way. Bring them the gifts!"

A bunch of Elves (who really looked like a bunch of secret agents dressed up like Elves in badly-made costumes) came to her side, their arms laden with gifts.

"For you, Aragorn son of Arathorn, a new sheath crafted by the Elves, and the Elessar," she said, pinning the brooch to his cloak. "Arwen insisted we give it to you, even though I told her that she could do much better."

Aragorn grinned, not understanding that it was an insult, and thanked her.

Galadriel groaned and slapped her forehead.

"And for Prince Legolas Thranduilion of Mirkwood, a bow strung with an Elf-hair."

Legolas took the bow and examined it. "Your hair, Lady?"

"Actually, it's mine," Haldir said from beside her, a smug look on his face.

"Right," Legolas replied, suddenly wanting to give it back. "I'll take good care of it for you."

"You'd better!" Haldir threatened. "I spend a lot of time on my hair!"

"It will be protected," Legolas swore. He didn't intend to keep the oath. He'd yank the hair out later and put in one of his own.

"For the Halflings, Meriadoc and Peregrin, two Elven belts, made of silver," she said, handing Merry and Pippin the belts. They gazed at them in awe.

"Shiny," murmured Pippin.

"Yes, I suppose they are shiny, but I don't notice it, since I'm so shiny, myself," Galadriel said.

"What are they?" Merry asked, his voice muffled with astonishment.

"Belts," the Lady said, shaking said items. "They're belts!"

"Belts? What are belts?" Pippin asked.

"You know, you put them around your waist to hold your pants up!" Galadriel cried in frustration.

"Oh!" said both Hobbits in unison.

Galadriel restrained from slapping herself again.

"For Boromir, a golden belt," she said, handing the Gondorian the belt.

He, being one of the most intelligent people in the group, bowed.

"And what would a Dwarf ask of the Elves?" she smiled, looking at Gimli.

"Nothing. Except to look upon the lady of the Galdhrim one last time, for she is more fair than all the jewels beneath the earth," the Dwarf said, looking at his feet.

"Let no one say that the Dwarves are coarse creatures!" Galadriel said, spreading her arms wide and turning to the other Elves. "But come, we cannot let you go empty-handed. What could we give you?"

"I would ask for but a single hair from your golden head," Gimli said, being polite and gentlemanly, because he was the chivalrous one of the group. Contrary to popular belief, Legolas was the evil one.

"Normally, being a wife _and_ mother _and _grandmother, I'd think that was weird, but you're just so gosh darn cute I'll give you three!" Galadriel squeaked, and plucked three hairs from her head.

Celeborn got defensive and gave Gimli a death glare.

Gimli (ever the chivalrous one) bowed and stepped back after thanking Galadriel and kissing her hands.

"And for you, Samwise Gamgee, seeds of _mallorn_ for you to plant," the Elf-woman continued, handing Sam a box with an Elvish "G" on the top.

"Thank you, Mrs. Galadriel, ma'am,' Sam said.

"For Mary-Sue, the starglass, a phial containing the light of Eärendil, our most beloved star. May it be a light for you in dark places," she said, handing her the phial.

"That's mine!" Frodo protested. "You were supposed to give _me_ that!"

"Oops," Galadriel said. She handed him a second phial of starlight. "May it protect you from big, evil spiders who want to kill you."

"Thanks!" Frodo cried.

"Welcome," Galadriel smiled. "And to all of you," she began, holding out a beautifully decorated box, "a gift to remember the Elves of Lorien." She opened the box. Inside were nine clothes-pins.

"To keep out the smell," she said, clipping one on to each of their noses (excluding Aragorn. They were beginning to look ridiculous. First sunglasses, now clothes-pins?). "I don't know how you've survived this long!"

With that, the Elves tossed the Fellowship into the boats they'd provided them with. All except Mary-Sue, of course. She was gently set into the boat and bowed to profusely.

"Oh, please don't," she said, blushing in a very feminine way.

This only made the Elves love her more.

"Get outta here!" Celeborn cried, nearly insane with jealousy. "And don't come back!"

The Fellowship (and Mary-Sue) rowed off as fast as they could while Pippin and Merry stuffed their faces with as many _lembas_ they could fit in their mouth at one time.

A/N: Many thanks to Here comes the hockey puck, swee-haret179, mrsblonde1503 (I'm sorry if I've offended you, but this _is_ a humor fic, and it's mine. Sorry, again), Alania (you're most welcome to!), annoying talking animal, Daughter of the Night (thank you! bows), calvinandhobbesrock (Thank you! I don't want to give her a love interest, 'cuz this is a parody, and I despise them as it is, but thank you for the well-wishes!), Super Shayde (that's all right, and yes, it is peculiar about your poems), Nawyn (thank you, and I loved writing her angsty childhood), and of course, Rhys (Wow, you just about died, huh? Stay alive! We needs you, precious!)!

Thank you, everyone, and please review! And if you do, don't curse! And if anyone was confused by this, it was the book version of the gifts, not the extended edition.


	6. Death Threats and the Argonath

Mary-Sue the Magnificent

_Chapter Five: Death Threats and the Argonath_

The Fellowship rowed down the Anduin. Aragorn had Frodo and Sam, Legolas and Gimli shared a boat, and Boromir and Merry were being forced to listen to Mary-Sue and Pippin yap about things they didn't get.

"And after that, they took me there and said I did _that_!" Mary-Sue cried.

"They didn't!" Pippin said.

"They did!"

"Did what?" Merry asked.

"Did _that_!" Mary-Sue exclaimed.

Merry and Boromir shook their heads.

Legolas and Gimli rowed up next to them.

"I swear by Elbereth that if you two don't shut your traps, Mandos will have _two_ new visitors!" Legolas cried.

"Do not threaten the fair lady," Gimli scolded, ever the gallant gentleman. "Besides, it does no good to kill her, considering she'll only come back."

Legolas groaned and rolled his eyes. "I know, but at least we get a few moments of peace." He threw Mary-Sue a particularly nasty look.

Mary-Sue squeaked and grabbed Pippin, putting him in front of her as a shield.

"Cool!" Pippin said. "I've always wanted to be a Hobbit shield!"

Mary-Sue gasped. "No way!"

"Yeah, way!"

"That's it!" Legolas shouted. He dropped the oars into the boat, pulled out his bow (which he'd restrung with his own hair) and an arrow, and aimed it at Mary-Sue.

"No!" Gimli cried. He snatched out the arrow and broke it in half. "Don't kill her."

Legolas gave a cry of anger and dove at Gimli, attempting to strangle him.

Just then, Aragorn jumped up and pointed at two giant statues of men holding axes. "The _Argonath_!" he shouted.

Everyone froze, including Legolas and Gimli and stared at the statues.

"Who are they?" asked Legolas.

Aragorn shrugged. "Beats me! But I knew the name, so I thought I'd show off."

Everyone returned to what they were doing.

They were used to Aragorn's stupidity by now.

* * *

A few days later, the Fellowship went to shore and set up camp. Frodo went off by himself to think, but nobody paid much attention, despite the fact that he was the one with the Ring, and therefore the thing that should be first on their minds.

Needless to say, it wasn't.

"Hey, Gimli!" Aragorn called rummaging through the bags. "Where's the map?"

"What map, dear Captain?" asked Gimli. He was sitting by Legolas, who was sitting by Mary-Sue, who was cowering from his glares.

"You know, the map!"

"There is no map, sir."

"What do you mean, there's no map?" shrieked Aragorn. "Elrond gave us a map!"

"No, he didn't," Gimli said.

Aragorn flopped to the ground and _humphed_. "Stupid Half-Elf."

"Stupid Man," Legolas muttered.

Gimli jabbed him.

"You guys want to talk about something?" asked Mary-Sue.

"Yeah," Legolas nodded, pulling out his knife. "Your funeral!" He stabbed her in the back. She fell forward with a soft cry. Legolas noted that she didn't bleed at all.

"I told you not to kill her!" Gimli cried, slapping the Elf on the back of the head.

"I couldn't help it!" Legolas whined, rubbing the sore spot.

"Learn to!"

Aragorn sat a bit away from the others, who were gathering near Legolas, Gimli, and the momentarily deceased Mary-Sue. "I have to draw a map!" cried the Ranger.

The others gave various groans, moans, shakes of the head, and burying faces in hands.

Then, Pippin asked, "Hey, where are Frodo and Boromir?"

* * *

A/N: Many thanks to Rhys (hurry, don't be late!), Alania (Actually, she _did_ give Mary-Sue the starglass! She gave Frodo another one!), Here comes the hockey puck (_hands over bow and mallorn seeds_ There you go!), mrsblonde1503 (I'm glad. Thank you, and it was good to see you back!), Super Shayde (Thank you! You have chocolate koalas? I WANT CHOCOLATE KOALAS! AND DON'T YOU JURT MY EMU!), Nawyn (Thanks! I'm glad you like it!), Lyn (I'm glad you like it. And thank you for that interesting lesson!), Turiel (As you can see, I have Evil!Legolas, which I much prefer to Sappy!Legolas. Thank you, and I'm glad you're enjoying it.), and swee-haret179 (Thank you!). I appreciate it, everyone. 


	7. I'm Alive Again!

Mary-Sue the Magnificent

_Chapter Six: I'm Alive Again!_

"Back again?" asked a slightly bored voice as Mary-Sue woke up.

She looked up to see Mandos. "Oh," she said, understanding. She got to her feet. "I'm really sorry," she said. "It was Legolas again. He stabbed me!"

"I know, I know," said Mandos, putting his head in his hand. "It's _never_ your fault."

"Don't make me stay here!" she begged, falling to her knees.

"I won't," said the Vala. "But watch out for these people. Did you know that even Arwen killed a Mary-Sue once?"

"She _did_?" asked Mary-Sue. "The Lady Arwen?"

"Yep," nodded Mandos. "You'd be surprised at the things she's done."

Mary-Sue looked terrified.

"But don't worry!" he said quickly. "She won't hurt you!"

"She won't?" asked the girl. "Is there anyone else I have to worry about?"

"Well, there _is_ the Lady Eowyn, but as long as you stay away from Aragorn and Faramir while you're around her, you should be okay," he whispered, leaning down to her ear.

"You're sure?" she whispered back.

"Most definitely."

"Why are we whispering?"

"Because someone might hear us."

"But no one's here."

"_You don't know that._"

"Oh…"

"Now get out of here!" cried Mandos.

There was a flash of light, and Mary-Sue was alive again. She sat up to see Legolas at her right, glaring daggers at her from behind his sunglasses.

"So much for peace," he muttered.

Mary-Sue didn't want to be killed again, so she got to her feet and started off into the woods, wobbling slightly, as she hadn't recovered completely yet.

She was met by the sight of Boromir shouting and tackling Frodo to the ground.

"Give it to me!" he shouted.

"No!" screamed Frodo.

"Get away from him!" screamed Mary-Sue, that nonexistent wind sweeping up again and blowing her hair (which had no distinct coloring, as it changed so much) and whipping her very impractical skirt around her legs. She threw herself at Boromir and yanked his glasses off his eyes. Her eyes changed colors then, and with a screech of pain, the Gondorian collapsed into a faint.

"Frodo!" she called after the Hobbit, who was desperately scrabbling away from her.

"Will you try to take it from me, too?" he asked, holding the Ring out as she stepped toward him.

"Oh, Frodo," she said, making a very sad and angsty face.

"Will you?" he challenged.

_Mary-Sue!_ hissed the Ring, calling to her. _Don't you want to be leader of Gondor? You know your stupid brother can't rule a kingdom! Take me! TAKE ME!_

Mary-Sue reached for the Ring… Her fingers inched closer… If she took it, she could rule over everyone! Her hand was almost directly over it… Frodo didn't pull it away…

_Mary-Sue…_

Mary-Sue closed Frodo's hand over the Ring. "I would have gone with you to the end," she said.

"No, you wouldn't have," spat Frodo contemptuously. "Chicken! You die too much! Everyone always fusses over you; I'm the Ringbearer! I have the big blue eyes! Everyone should be paying attention to _me_! They're supposed to say, 'Oh, you poor little Hobbit! You have to defeat the big, mean Dark Lord!' But _no_, they all say, 'Oh, look at Mary-Sue! Isn't she perfect?' I'm sick of it!"

"You little ingrate!" shrieked Mary-Sue. "I get Boromir away from you, and then you talk to me like this?"

"I'll talk to you however I want!" yelled Frodo.

Because the two of them were screaming at each other, neither noticed the Uruk-Hai gathering silently around them. A couple snickered; watching them argue was quite entertaining.

"Hee, dinner _and_ a show!" cackled one. The one next to it laughed.

"Next, you'll be taking it from me, too!" he cried, holding the Ring to his chest. "Well, too bad! It's mine! My only! My _precious_!"

"It's influencing you, fool!" she cried.

"No, it's not! I love the Ring. Don't I, Ringy? I love you! Yes, I do!"

Just then, Aragorn ran into the clearing to show them the very poorly drawn map he'd made. He came in time to hear Frodo say that.

"You love an inanimate object?" he asked, not even noticing the Uruk-Hai as they tightened their circle around the trio.

"Yeah! What's it to you?" yelled Frodo, turning on the spot.

And then, he saw the Uruk-Hai.

He was okay until he saw Lurtz.

Lurtz grinned and pulled out a dagger. "Hi, little hobbity Hobbit," he said with a grin.

Frodo didn't say anything at first. He looked at the Uruk-Hai, he looked at Mary-Sue, he looked at Aragorn, and then he looked at Lurtz again. And everyone else looked at him.

And then…

He ran from the clearing, screaming his lungs out.

All the Uruk-Hai took off after him, leaving Aragorn and Mary-Sue alone in the clearing.

As the Hobbit's screams echoed through the trees, Aragorn looked at his sister (who he still didn't know was his sister), and said, "You know, he _could _have put on the Ring."

At that moment, Legolas sprinted nimbly into the clearing. "What did I miss?"

"Well, Boromir attacked Frodo to get the Ring, so then I attacked Boromir, and then me and Frodo started fighting, and then the Uruk-Hai came, and then Frodo ran away," explained Mary-Sue.

"And he didn't even put on the Ring!" cried Aragorn.

Legolas looked at him.

"What?" asked the Ranger. "It would have made our lives easier at least."

Legolas sighed. "Let's go save him again," he muttered.

The three ran off into the trees. They hadn't taken more than ten steps when Legolas pulled out his bow and shot Mary-Sue. She fell to the ground, dead (once again).

Aragorn glared at Legolas.

Legolas shrugged. "I thought she was an Uruk-Hai!"

"What do we do with her now?" asked Aragorn.

"I say we chuck her behind a tree," said the Elf. "She'll catch up."

And they did just that.

A/N: Many thanks to Rhys (I love stupid people! What would we do without stupid people? And yeah, Stink-Boy takes stupid all the way. Thank you!), Super Shayde (I'm glad! _Munches on chocolate koalas_ Yummy! Thank you! My emus!), Here comes the hockey puck (Aw, thanks! _Hugs_ I'm glad you like the gifts. Have fun!), Nawyn (Gimli's the gentleman, remember? And I love Mary-Sue dying… makes for lovely scenes! Thank you!), annoying talking animal (I'm happy you liked it. Thank you!), and Random Person (LOVE the name! _Giggle_ I'm glad you like it. I particularly enjoyed Mandos andher angsty childhood, so I'm happy you liked it, too. Thank you!)!

If you review, please don't curse!


	8. On the Road Again

Mary-Sue the Magnificent

_Chapter Seven: On the Road Again_

While Legolas and Aragorn were trying to catch up to Frodo, with Boromir and Mary-Sue lying unconscious and dead behind them, Pippin, Merry, Sam and Gimli were trying to find them.

"Where are they? Where are _we_? When are we going to get to Mordor? When do we stop for a restroom break?" Pippin's incessant stream of questions was starting to really grate on Gimli's nerves.

"Please, dear Hobbit, will you please cease your questions until we find our friends?" he asked as politely as possible.

Pippin looked thoughtful for a moment. Then, he looked at Merry. "What did he say?"

Merry groaned. "He says to zip it!"

"Oh!" Pippin looked back at Gimli. "Yeah, sure!"

"I thank you very much, dear friend," the dwarf said, relieved.

"But when will we find them?" Pippin exclaimed a minute later.

Everyone shot him murderous looks.

He didn't talk after that.

Meanwhile, Mary-Sue had come back to life again. She hurriedly got to her feet and sprinted down the hill, cleverly tracking her companions as she ran. Boromir woke up a bit later, in time to see the Hobbits and Gimli run past.

He warily stood and headed off after them.

Then, the Uruk-Hai came back.

They were surrounded, and between the five of them, only Gimli and Boromir were armed. The Gondorian and the dwarf drew their weapons and got into defensive stances.

"I'm outta here!" Sam shouted. He ducked under the arms of the Uruk-Hai and ran off. The confused creatures watched after him, giving the warriors time to hack off a few heads. Gimli apologized every time he killed one of the Uruk-Hai. Pippin and Merry stood in the background, but then Lurtz saw them.

"More hobbity Hobbits!" he cried in pure bliss, pointing at them. He enjoyed killing Hobbits. They were fun to chase, especially on those short, stubby little legs.

"Run!" Merry screamed. He ran away from Lurtz; Pippin ran _toward_ the Uruk-Hai. Lurtz was going to grab him and run so that he could keep the Hobbit as a moving practice target, but Boromir stepped in. Lurtz groaned.

"Go away, Ugly," he said.

"Who you callin' ugly, Ugly?" Boromir retorted.

"I'm callin' you ugly!"

"Yeah? Well, I bet your momma's ugly, too!"

"Doesn't work! I don't have a momma!"

Boromir staggered. "You don't?"

"Nope," Lurtz said, shaking his head. "I was born through a complicated process that involved slinging mud around."

"Really?" Boromir asked with interest. "Do tell."

"Some other time." Lurtz cocked his crossbow and shot Boromir.

After a couple extra shots, he ran off after Frodo. He wanted one of those practice targets.

And he got them.

Finally, Legolas and Aragorn decided to turn back. They couldn't find Frodo anywhere. They were in time to see Boromir taking his last breaths.

"Come…come closer…Aragorn," he gasped.

Aragorn went to his dying friend. "Yes, Boromir?" he asked, expecting something deep, profound, and life-changing.

"Please…before you take…over Gondor…take a bath…" Then, the Man's head fell back. He had died.

Aragorn hung his head. Legolas walked up behind him. "Well, that was hardly touching," he remarked.

Just then, Mary-Sue jogged into the clearing. "What happened?" she asked, staring at the scene.

Boromir was dead, Aragorn didn't answer, and Legolas just pulled out a dagger and stabbed her again.

"I said quit that!" Gimli cried as he came into the glade.

Legolas shrugged.

Sam came into the clearing. "Frodo's running away!" he cried, pointing in the direction of the camp.

No one replied.

"Well, isn't someone going with him?" the Hobbit demanded.

"Let's draw straws!" Aragorn suggested.

They did. Sam lost.

Meanwhile, Frodo had made his way back to the camp and was getting ready to head off in one of the boats. Just as he was pushing off, Sam ran out of the woods. "Wait, Mr. Frodo! I'm coming with you!"

"Aw, Sam!" Frodo sniffled. "I should have known you'd come back!" Unfortunately, Sam had already stumbled into the water. Then he remembered something important.

"Help, Mr. Frodo!" he cried in terror. "I can't swim!"

Frodo rolled his eyes. "Better be careful for the piranhas," he cautioned, his face serious despite the bluff.

"Piranhas!" Sam screeched. He scrabbled into the boat in less than five seconds.

"Well, I suppose we're off, then," Frodo said.

"I'm scared, Mr. Frodo," Sam said, glancing about in fear.

"Don't worry, Sam," Frodo smiled. "The author will take care of us."

"The author? Who's the author?"

"The one in charge."

"Wasn't that the Valar?"

"Nope."

"What about Mr. Tolkien?"

"He used to be. We're under new management now."

"Oh." Sam looked into the distance. "What's the author like, Mr. Frodo?"

"She's an insane lunatic bent on our destruction."

"And you think she'll take care of us?" Sam cried.

"Of course she will. Without us, there's no story! We still have to do the Two Towers and the Return of the King!"

"Oh, that's right. I like sequels."

"Me, too, Sam."

* * *

A/N: Sorry it's been so long. I've been really, really busy. I apologize. Thank-you's and hugs to all the reviewers, and I appreciate that you've waited so patiently for this new chapter. Thank you! 


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